Saving My World
by Will of the Vongola
Summary: 'He hated this so much. He hated not being able to actually smile anymore, or enjoy life anymore. Whatever the hell Ruvik had put them through really fucked him up. It seemed every night Joseph wished that the gunshot had actually killed him. He couldn't even count the time he had contemplated ending his own life. The first time was of course in front of Sebastian during that time,


There were just some things in this world you wished you had never been through, there were things in this world you wish you had done, and honestly there were times in this world where you wished you weren't alive. For Joseph Oda those days came more often than not. After their release from the hospital Sebastian and Joseph went right back into detective work, almost pretending none of that stuff happened. No one asked them any questions about it, Joseph and Sebastian rarely talked about it. Kidman was never found, her funeral had passed in a blur. Leslie was never taken in as a missing persons case, the reason for that was unknown. Life passed by them in a haze of confusion and work.

"Hey Joseph, you finish reading over the report that was on your desk this morning?"

Joseph nodded, typing furiously on his keyboard. That seemed to be his job, typing furiously. Okay so maybe his job was to find out as much on their cases as fast as he could. He did a fine job of it but most of the people in the office knew not to bother him when he stared endlessly at his computer without adjusting. His partner Sebastian was another matter entirely.

"You wanna grab something for lunch before we head out on the case?"

"Sebastian how many times do I have to tell you not to bother me when I'm looking things up. Please mind your own business and get your own food. I'll eat when i'm ready"

Joseph sighed and pushed his glasses up before continue was he was doing, scribbling things here and there in his black notebook. These days he didn't eat much, his stomach really couldn't take much anymore. His mind was still confused on whether this was the real world or not. He could only assume so because for one he was alive, and two the city was still in once piece. He supposed his mind got his fill of making him go through shit simply because of his nightmares. Sleep didn't come easily for him anymore and when it did he woke up hours later from a nightmare.

Joseph was brought out of his stupor when a hot mug of coffee was placed by his keyboard. Looking up he saw the back of Sebastian, a smirk placing itself on his face. Despite how annoying Sebastian could be he seemed to care. He remembered the first couple of nights they were back in the real world Sebastian would call him up in the middle of the night to make sure he was doing okay. It took Joseph by surprise but accepted it nonetheless. After all in the dream, or whatever the hell they were going to call it, Sebastian did "lose" him. Joseph shuddered at that thought, the last thing he remembered fully was being shot by Kidman. The rest of the time he woke up to voices, to things playing in is head he knew disturbed him but could never quiet fully understand.

An hour later he saw Sebastian sit down at his desk, a to go cup of what he assume was coffee resting against his lips. Sebastian's wedding ring glittered in the light, causing Joseph to frown. He wasn't exactly sure how long Sebastian's wife had been gone but he did think it was enough time for him to have moved on. That was one thing Joseph did not like. There were many times where they would go out to have a few drinks, get wasted and Joseph would wake up to some random girl in his bed. Sebastian never did that though. Joseph would ask and Sebastian would always reply with "just didn't see anyone."

He called bullshit on that one but he knew not to bring it up. Dating really was a touchy topic with Sebastian, though he couldn't say much himself cause he never actually dated. He just had one too many one night stands. Closing his notebook he put his computer to sleep and finished his now cold coffee.

"Sebastian you ready?"

"Yup, did you get yourself something to eat."

"Yeah I grabbed a sandwich from the break room."

A lie

"Alright then, you're driving."

"Of course I am."

—

That night found them at the bar again. The case was extremely easy to solve and they were out of there in a few hours.

"Without your damn research I don't know where I would be right now. You've solved so many cases practically on your own, you should be the leader here not me."

"I'm simply your partner Sebastian, nothing special."

"Well alright then."

Joseph took another drink of his beer as he looked around the bar. There really weren't any attractive girls around tonight, a bit of a bummer really. He wanted to get wasted and fool around a little bit. Leaning back in his chair he sighed and placed some money on the table.

"I'm leaving, make sure you call a cab to get you home."

"Joseph wait!"

Joseph didn't wait, he didn't want to be at that bar anymore, he didn't want to look at the smiling faces of other people. He was tired of it all. As Joseph sped away he saw a glimpse of Sebastian at the door of the bar, a frown placed on his face. Honestly he didn't care one bit. Back at his apartment he stripped and took a scorching bath, trying to ignore everything around him. It worked for a few hours but eventually the water got cold and he had to get out. Staring at himself in the mirror he placed his hand over the gunshot wound Kidman had so lovingly given him. It had healed surprisingly quick but the scar was still there, and so was the pain. That never seemed to go away. Most of the time he could ignore it, but there were times where it felt like he had just gotten shot again. Pain would course through his body, rendering him useless. It had happened a couple of times while he was on an assignment. He'd hide somewhere to wait it out, most of the time curled up in a corner until the pain passed. Sebastian wouldn't ask him anything when he came back but Joseph wasn't stupid, he knew Sebastian figured something was up.

Joseph tried to get some sleep only to be woken by another nightmare. Looking at his clock he sighed, it was only two in the morning. Staring at the ceiling he tried to ignore the pain from his scar. He hated this so much. He hated not being able to actually smile anymore, or enjoy life anymore. Whatever the hell Ruvik had put them through really fucked him up. It seemed every night Joseph wished that the gunshot had actually killed him. He couldn't even count the time he had contemplated ending his own life. The first time was of course in front of Sebastian during that time, the rest were after they got out. Everything was just so shitty, he hated it.

Grabbing his phone off of the bedside table he opened it, looking at his background picture. It was of all of them, Sebastian, Joseph and Kidman. They had to finished one of their biggest cases yet and the newspaper wanted to do an article about their team. This was the picture they used in it, and one of Josephs favorites. Though now he loathed looking at it. He loathed looking at what they used to be, all of them happy, nothing in the world could have brought all of them down then… nothing.

Pulling up his contacts he searched for Sebastian's name. Hitting the call button, not caring if he was asleep anymore. After a couple of rings Sebastian answered.

"Can't sleep Jojo?"

Joseph absolutely hated that name, but fortunately Sebastian never called him that in public, so he'd let it slide if it was like this.

"I'm so tired of pretending."

"Joseph?"

"I wish… I wish Kidman had killed me."

"Joseph what's wrong? What are you talking about?"

"I don't know how much more I can take Sebastian… I'm so tired."

Joseph gripped his scar as the pain grew. Not again, fuck not again.

"Goodbye Sebastian."

He tapped the end button and rolled over on his side, curling up as the searing pain continue to get worse and worse. Everything hurt, he needed to get some pain killers but even moving an inch sent searing pain throughout his body. Sweat laced his skin as his breathing became barely audible. When the pain became this bad he really did wish he was dead, it was just a fucking scar, he was healed but for some reason the pain just wouldn't leave. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he heard his front door open.

"Joseph!"

Sebastian? Why was he here, Joseph couldn't think of what he said or did that could have caused this, but honestly he couldn't think at all right now. The door to his bedroom swung open, the light practically blinding him.

"Joseph. Oh god."

Joseph practically screamed when Sebastian tried to turn him over, his breathing becoming more labored by the second.

"Pai…. kill…."

Why did everything have to hurt? It seemed that Sebastian had gotten the idea of his broken sentence when he came back with some pain killers and a glass of water. The next step of getting Joseph sat up enough to take the pills was a challenge in and of itself. Joseph fought so hard to keep himself still, Sebastian fought just as hard to get him to sit up.

"Joseph sit the fuck up. These will goddamn help you I fucking promise."

If he wasn't in a god awful amount of pain Joseph might have laughed. Sebastian sounded so angry and yet so caring all at the same time. After some time Sebastian finally managed to get Joseph to take the pills.

"Fuck Joseph. You better tell me what the fuck is wrong when you are well enough too."

Joseph just closed his eyes trying to ignore him. He heard Sebastian get up and presumably into the bathroom when he heard some water running. A few minutes later there was a damp towel placed on his forehead that sent a cold shiver down his spine, but god did it feel good. The towel was flipped every once in a while or rewetted until Joseph's fever had gone down.

"I'll be in the living room."

The pain gradually subsided as the minutes ticked on. Once he was well enough to move around Joseph placed his glasses on and stood up to go into the living room. Standing in the doorway, his hair disheveled and shirtless with some plaid sweats on he found it empty. Looking around he heard some noises come from the kitchen.

"Fucking moocher."

He grumbled and walked to the kitchen, leaning on the doorjamb.

"Moocher."

He watched Sebastian look up, his face turn anger, to worry, and finally to relief.

"What the fuck was that about?"

Sebastian continued to do whatever he was doing at the stove, waiting for Joseph's reply.

"Well… It's the wound, well I suppose it's a scar now. It's healed up but that's just about it. There are times, like tonight where i'm in so much pain it feels like I've been shot again. It happens more often than I would like but tonight was the worst one."

Joseph looked at Sebastian whose expression didn't change.

"Is that why you'll disappear on a case sometimes?"

"Yeah."

Sebastian didn't say anything to that. He grabbed a bowl off the counter and dished whatever he made into a bowl before handing it to Joseph.

"Here, I made you some soup. I know you have been eating, it's starting to show."

Joseph took the bowl, surprise etching across his face.

"I didn't know you could cook."

"Of course I can you twat. I've had to get by some how ever since Myra disappeared."

Joseph just shrugged and grabbed a spoon out of the drawer, going to sit out of the table.

"Hey, this is actually pretty good."

"As to be expected."

"Wow you're cocky."

They both ate in silence for a while, before Sebastian broke the silence.

"If that episode hadn't of happened tonight, where you going to kill yourself?"

Joseph stopped eating, opting to stare at his bowl. Was he? The thought had crossed his mind. Everything he said over the phone was true, but now he understood why Sebastian had rushed over.

"I had thought about it."

"Stupid, why would you resort to that?"

"I… I don't know. I just thought it might be better."

"For you maybe."

"What do you mean?"

"What about me Joseph, I'm your goddamn partner. You can't just leave me stranded like that, you're the best one I've had, and trust me I've had as many partners as you have had one night stands."

Sebastian got up from the table seemingly angry as he went back into the kitchen. Joseph looked down and stared and the few noodles he had left, his appetite completely gone. Sebastian seemed angrier than Joseph thought he should be. Standing up he grabbed his bowl and followed Sebastian into the kitchen.

"This isn't just about you losing me as your partner is it?"

Joseph watched as Sebastian's eyes grew a little wider before settling back to their normal position.

"Look Joseph, I don't give a shit what we've been through. Shit happens but we're both alive and well. Yes we lost Kidman but she had it coming after she fucking shot you. I tried to stop her but in the end she was never to be found. I don't give a shit what's going on in your life it's going to get better alright. I'm not nearly as messed up as you are because losing my daughter and wife was worse than whatever went on with Ruvik. It's understandable why you're so fucking messed up right now but that never calls for suicide goddammit. It's nothing more than that, I just don't want to fucking lose another person I care about alright?!"

Sebastian's threw the towel he was holding on the counter as he stomped out of the kitchen, leaving Joseph to figure out what the hell just happened. His life had been so confusing ever since he'd gotten out of the hospital and it only seemed to be getting worse. He stayed in the kitchen, washing his bowl and spoon, trying to figure out what happened. It was fruitless though, the only thing that he could figure out was that Sebastian cared for him, and that made his insides a little fuzzy. Walking about out to the Living room he sat down next to Sebastian, not wanting to speak before he did.

"Promise me to never do anything like that again, and if you're thinking of it call me."

"I promise."

"Also, stop sleeping with every girl you see alright?"

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm fucking in love with you bastard."

Joseph just smiled and sunk deeper into the couch.

"Called it."

Sebastian slapped Joseph across the head, eliciting a whine from him.

"So, will you stop sleeping with everyone you see?"

Joseph leaned over and gave Sebastian a small kiss on the lips.

"Does that include you?"

"No you fucking idiot."

—-

Joseph gradually got better, Sebastian rarely left him alone at night anymore. During the day they were just detective partners, nothing between them changed except that Sebastian was a little more perceptive towards Joseph's feelings and pains. After they both were off the clock it was a completely different story. Sebastian gradually got over Myra and his daughters deaths. The pain was gone but he never forgot them, all thanks to Joseph.

For whatever reason Joseph's pain never went away. It was still unbearable at times but Sebastian was always by his side when it happened. His mental state got better though, well at least when it came to the outside world, when it came to Sebastian that was another matter entirely.

To say those two lived happily ever after would be a lie. But at least being together made each day more and more bearable until they could just smile because they were alive.


End file.
